he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
