peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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