does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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