After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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