my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
