i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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