hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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