i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
