You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
