the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
