you didnt know i had herpes?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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