I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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