you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
