U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
