my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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