dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize