I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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