these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
