I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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