My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
