The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
