I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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