it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
