So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize