I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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