I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
