someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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