we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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