Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
