party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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