he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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