remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
