I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize