FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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