Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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