I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
