I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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