it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
