Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You're like the curious george of whores
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
