I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
