It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
