I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
