I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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