True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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