Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
