I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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