Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
