I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize