my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
