my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize