my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
