so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
