Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
