Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
