please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
