Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
