my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
