I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
