I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize