So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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