I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
