God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
