he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
