ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
